Johnson Lost Because He’s Athletic And Slim

This is a satirical article written for the libertarian website BeingLibertarian.com. It can also be read here.

In the past months, weeks and days, I’ve read several articles (Examples: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14) about how the opposition to Hillary Clinton’s campaign was severely marked by sexism. Indeed, it seems like the way women are perceived in society today, there is no way for them to be elected to public office (don’t mention all the already elected female governors, congresswomen, senators or mayors, because disagreeing with this is misogyny!). There are many reasons to sympathise with that idea, but I have singled out an even bigger factor of discrimination in society: being athletic and slim.

Gary Johnson is known to be a sportsman: he is an extensive biker and triathlete, participating in Iron Man competitions and completing a marathon run in 2 hours and 47 minutes (faster than all the previous serving presidents). Indeed this, combined with his efforts in paragliding and competing in extreme sports, such as hill climbing, even though he was injured, lead Men’sHealth to inquire if he is not indeed the fittest candidate to ever run for POTUS.

And yet, Johnson was only able to get 3.2% of the votes.

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The reason for this is fairly obvious, but has been ignored by the bigoted mainstream media: most Americans are not sporty and many are obese. In fact, according to the most recent data, adult obesity rates now exceed 35% in four states, 30% in 25 states and are above 20% in all states. The highest obesity rate is (with 36.2%) in Louisiana, where Gary Johnson got less than 2% of the vote. Proof!

One third of the American electorate is fat and privileged and therefore cannot possibly accept a slim and fit candidate. Minorities such as Gary Johnson have simply no possibility to voice their opinion, since the entitled fatties are refusing to listen. Obviously, I can also back up this claim with data: just recently I personally heard a fat man in a store who said that he wouldn’t vote for Gary Johnson. Ha!

Now some might say “but aren’t most American not obese?”. Indeed, even though most Americans are not fat, Johnson was unable to get the necessary vote. This is because the slim-community has a lot of problems with internalised oppression: our society teaches slim people that they shouldn’t be proud of themselves and that they cannot achieve anything in their lives if they don’t get the compulsory muffin top. We must stop this bigotry of the fat privileged minority that runs our country, who use capitalism to stuff their bellies with melted cheese and fried Snickers. Rise up, slim people!

An apple a day keeps the authoritarians away!


Pictures are Creative Commons.

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